I Can’t Help You With That Embarrassing Problem, I’m Afraid

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Last month’s Teens Can Write, Too! Blog Chain was excellent, very fun, and I couldn’t wait  for this month’s. Yesterday’s post was by Miriam Joy at A Farewell To Sanity and before that, Kirsten at Kirsten Writes! Both of whom have written really entertaining posts with some hilarious, and sometimes baffling search terms involved.

So, I am afraid to say that I don’t have nearly as many entertaining search terms. Mostly anyone who finds my blog via a search engine seems to type in entries such as ‘eat sleep write repeat’ or ‘felicity-zara stewart wordpress’, which all in all are pretty likely to redirect here somewhere along the line. Yet because of this, when strange search terms do come along, I tend to notice it quite quickly.

The first strange term was quite an early one, and while it does make sense in context, it’s far more entertaining out of it. One visitor in particular wanted to find details on;

‘Patrick Bateman lifestyle’ 

Now, I’m not suggesting for a moment that my blog is a handy all-in-one guide on how to live life as a psychopathic Yuppie who does unmentionable things to women by way of starving rats. But if it was, then I can certainly see why this search would yield results.

Unfortunately (or fortunately), my blog isn’t an all-in-one guide on how to live like a psychopathic Yuppie at all. It is but a humble writing blog, you won’t find that much torture and misogyny here (or at least not intentionally). My apologies to whoever managed to find my blog while obviously searching for something much more visceral, though; I have a feeling that reading about the writing pursuits of a certain 19-year-old aspiring author isn’t exactly what they were going for with that one. This review might prove useful, though.

The next is more than a little odd, and possibly inappropriate, too. Cover your eyes, kiddies;

‘Balls sleeping accidentally exposed’

I …  don’t have anything witty to say about this one off the top of my head, as every time I read it, it seems to make less sense. I just don’t understand this search term.

What I mean to say is; dear visitor, I am very sorry to hear about your embarrassing predicament, even though I can quite honestly say I have never found myself in such a position. This is primarily because I lack male genitalia, but also … well, no, actually, it is just because I’m a girl.

The strangest part about this search term, however, is that I really have no idea how it relates to my blog. I’ve never posted tips on how to avoid this issue, having never suffered from it myself, and in living memory, I’ve never written about anything dealing with it, either. Until today, I can’t even remember whether the word ‘balls’ appears on this blog (maybe in a quote, I’m not sure). Okay, so that book review might have had something to do with it … somewhere along the line? Very, very vaguely connecting point A (the search term) to point B (the review) is the underlining fact that the book in question is ‘about’ the porn industry. That said, I doubt exposure is a worry in said industry. More the whole point.

Next up, we have;

‘Nanowrimo cannibalism’

I swear, you couldn’t make these up.

I mean, what in the heck is NaNoWriMo cannibalism? Oh, yes, today I decided that I was going to live on a healthy, and somewhat sustainable diet of human body parts while writing like a maniac. Is that it? Or … the … you know what? I just can’t get my head around this one at all. It pains me to say this, but I’m not writing about cannibalism for this year’s NaNoWriMo (at least not yet), although I have encountered a few characters who have made cannibalism a part of their lifestyle.

And finally,

‘M love a’

Probably the most baffling one yet. As in, I don’t even have a book review (because, yes, my oddest search terms have all related to my book reviews) to link this one to, or understand what it is that this person was actually trying to ask, let alone what they were trying to find.

Honestly. I don’t think I could even guess at what m loving a actually pertains to, unless it’s some kind of special code, or initials. Could be that ‘Mia love Anthony’ … or ‘meerkat love ants’? Yes. This search term is really that strange to me.

So my take on this? The people who reach my blog via search engine are either psychopaths, people with extremely obtrusive genitals or cannibals.

I also have a feeling that several of my visitors were sorely disappointed when they searched for ‘Jannah Reid’ most likely in the hope of hitting on one of the websites included in the 90% that are porn sites. Don’t ask how I know that. It could be why I’ve been getting some rather strange notifications on my computer as of late, though …

These are probably the most notable results I’ve … well … noticed, but some worthy mentions go to;

‘Where do jackals sleep’ – I couldn’t honestly tell you. I might be able to tell you where they lie, though. My apologies, that was absolutely terrible … this blog isn’t ideal for nature enthusiasts.

‘Hunter S. Thompson sleep’ –   not really sure what they were getting at with this one, not surprised they ended up here, though.

‘Eat write or die’ – well, that’s quite an interesting form of self discipline. I don’t doubt that it gets results.

‘Writing and droning’ – how nice of you to point out that this is what I do most of the time.

‘4 storey freefall’ – something I can help you with, dear visitor! I’m not sure how the 4 storey part relates, though. But if you want to know about someone falling at least 1,000 feet, I’m your girl.

So, there you have it; the weird and sometimes wonderful world of my stats page. As a part of the blog chain this month, a quick NaNoWriMo update;

I hit 50k late on Thursday evening. I’m nowhere near done with my story, though. Actually, I don’t want to be done with it; I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been struggling to even get 14k done over the weekend, but this has much more to do with time than it does my novel. So right now, I’m sitting on 66k and barely halfway through, in love with even the characters who are despicable human beings, and not looking forward to the end because … damn it, I just don’t want to say goodbye. I guess that’s what editing is for, though …

So that’s me punching in and out for the month! I urge you all to check out the following blogs, as they’ll all be coming up with some excellent posts, with far more interesting and amusing search terms than mine, throughout the course of this month!

November 5th —http://kirstenwrites.wordpress.com/– Kirsten Writes!

November 6th — http://delorfinde.wordpress.com – A Farewell To Sanity

[You Are Here] November 7th — https://thelitjunkie.wordpress.com – Eat, Sleep, Write, Repeat

November 8th — http://alohathemuse.wordpress.com – Embracing Insanity

November 9th — http://noveljourneys.wordpress.com/ – Novel Journeys

November 10th —- http://greatlakessocialist.wordpress.com/ – Red Herring Online

November 11th — http://taystapeinc.wordpress.com – Tay’s Tape

November 12th — http://herebefaries.wordpress.com/ – The Land of Man-Eating Pixies

November 13th – http://randominmind.wordpress.com – Random On My Mind!

November 14th – http://insideliamsbrain.wordpress.com/ – This Page Intentionally Left Blank

November 15th — http://herestous.wordpress.com – Here’s To Us

November 16th— http://incessantdroningofaboredwriter.wordpress.com –  The Incessant Droning of a Bored Writer

November 17th — http://teenscanwritetoo.wordpress.com – Teens Can Write Too! (We will be announcing the topic for the next month’s chain)

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20 Comments

Filed under Writing & Literature

20 responses to “I Can’t Help You With That Embarrassing Problem, I’m Afraid

  1. Miriam Joy

    Eat write or die!
    Because Write or Die started randomly eating my words for no reason yesterday when I was still typing and because I was doing white font on white page I didn’t realise till my counter started ticking backwards, so EAT THE DAMN THING NOW!!!!
    Also, 66k? Yikes.

    • That’s a good point, actually! And that really isn’t fun at all. o_o;; … especially not for NaNo! I mean, the word eating is effective and all … but not when it does it while you’re still typing! o_o;;

      I have a feeling that was more what the search term was referring to than I originally thought. xD just found it a couple months ago and had to double-take. xD

      And … admittedly, writing just seems like a better use of my time than watching Jeremy Kyle. xD

  2. Some of the search terms I’ve seen over the years make me laugh. Five or six years ago, back in my Typepad days, I wrote a post based on a Bitch Magazine story on Wonder Woman and how she was created by a man into bondage. You can imagine the hits thereafter, by far the most consistently searched subject, month by month.

    When Anthony Weiner was in denial on whether he tweeted his you know what, I wrote a post called ‘pics and flicks of dicks and pricks, and that one still gets a hit regularly. Sex sells I guess. ;-)

    • … oh, wow, yeah, those search terms must have been … kind of crazy I’m guessing? o_o;

      Lmao, it does indeed! xD … there definitely seems to be … um … demand for that kind of thing in today’s world. xD hits are hits, though, I guess. xD

  3. Some of the search terms I’ve come across are funny, but not really disturbing. Most of yours are, in some way or another, just that. I’m surprised you haven’t had some sort of a mental breakdown over the types of people who are viewing your blog; I probably would in your situation!

    • Lol, honestly, I’m surprised, too! Most of these that I’ve listed, I’ve just sort of looked at the computer screen for a moment, blinked a couple of times, then slowly backed away and tried to figure it out. xD especially the second one. That one nearly finished me! Lol … there are some disturbed people out there …

  4. John Hansen

    Write or die? That’s sounds like the pic I have in my blog sidebar aka my nano muse. :)
    I don’t even want to know how the second one came to be…

    • Actually, yeah, that pic always makes me think of Write or Die. xD and then that I should be writing – it works well!

      Likewise. o_o;; … I’ve been trying to imagine the kind of person who would search that … probably someone like my ex.

      • John Hansen

        :D
        I am amazed at how fast you write!!! That’s SOOO unnatural. I’ll have to have you guest post on my blog next year about how to write so efficiently and effectively. Are you on Absolute Write by any chance?

  5. Great post! I like, well, I like some of those terms. Great job on hitting 50k so soon! Do you usually write this fast?

  6. Those are both hilarious and somewhat disturbing. I mean, do people really think they should be searching these things on Google? I mean, it can’t solve all of your problems.
    And how did you hit 50k so early? It’s only been a week!

    • Exactly! Their search histories must be VERY messed up, but that said … and indeed. xD that second one, especially. Google can’t solve that (not that I’ve looked! Honest! xD) … I think what’s even stranger about it is that whoever checked that out thought my blog could. O_o;;; lol

      I … lots of free time! xD … I wanted to see if I could do it in 3 days – did it in a week last year, or thereabouts – but now I’m sort of … not powering through as quickly as I would like. xD

  7. “Balls sleeping accidentally exposed”?
    I…. I don’t get it, either.

  8. Your reaction to “eat write or die” had me laughing. Hey, if it works for them!

    A lot of your viewers are creepy…. lol. >.> I’d be careful about keeping the window open when you sleep. Just in case.

    66k already? On day 8? Are you homeschooled, superhuman, radioactively charged, or all of the above? Insane!

  9. Those are certainly very strange. “M love a”…I’m baffled. Great post!

  10. I like the search terms! Very Funny….. Some people always leave us thinking…..howd they get that?

  11. The quality of your writing is frankly impressive, the fact that many of your search terms revolve around your name is testament to that.

    You probably would be a teensy bit jealous considering that I have probably double the incest fans that you have. Well, overt ones anyway.

  12. quillwielder

    I’m happy to say that I’m awarding you the Liebster award. You can check it out here: http://quillwielder.com/2011/11/25/the-liebster-blog-award/
    Congratulations!

  13. Bex

    What a fun post. I always shake my head at some that come my way too, but I never thought of actually writing about them. Yours win though I think! And you are the NANO Queen!

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